fear
Today I was thinking about fear. When have I been afraid, when have I acted out of fear, when has fear either stopped me or prompted me to do something? Specifically, why are we, and why am I so afraid of being seen? This mostly came up because I was afraid to share this blog with people… to open myself up and fully allow myself to be me at the risk of being seen and judged. Funny enough, it reminded me of what I had felt last year when I decided to just take the plunge and go way out of my comfort zone to begin my journey to the stage, despite that same fear of being seen and judged by family, friends, and peers. I think a lot of my fear comes from judgment, but that perceived (and actually nonexistent) judgment is mostly from rooted feelings of inadequacy. Not sure if it was just the world, my environment .. probably both, that told me to be worthy you had to achieve or master some level of excellence to “prove” you belong here.
Aside from the fact that I don’t just think, I know that’s bs … understanding where my fears come from in this way and how they are fundamentally rooted in something untrue is such a powerful way to peel back the layers and realize what’s actually going on. On a more emotional level, what I deeply and wholeheartedly believe is that worth has absolutely nothing to do with the way we look, how our body looks, how much money we have, how many degrees, cars, etc- I think our worth is intrinsic to our being. We were born worthy, we exist everyday as worthy.. the very nature of our consciousness, our sovereignty of mind, just being human is what makes us worthy. The fact that we are able to learn, to try and fail, to experience newness, to grow, to discover more and more, to connect with other people, to marvel at our existence in the universe .. that is the natural and innate worth we have, and no amount of tangible material items (and yes I include our bodies as a material item!) can either give us more worth or take away from our innate worth. Personally, I think the pursuit of evolution and of “success” through the more superficial lens is never about the ends. We, and I, engage in pursuit wholly for the experience. Not to get from point a to point b to “be happy” or to “be successful,” but truly to just experience more of who I am. To let new experiences, new challenges, new environments simply wash over my soul if only to see what more I can learn about myself.
Going back to fear, but more specifically fear of being seen.. I start to ruminate on the times in my life I chose to experience something for experiences sake, the times in my life that I wasn’t concerned with perfection or excellence, and where that pure-hearted, honest and curious excitement for learning led me. How many beautiful experiences, new people, new places, new perspectives on life would I have been robbed of if I was concerned with being perfect, and subsequently concerned and acted out of fear of being seen?
Fear can keep us in a place we don’t belong. It hides under the guise of protecting you, of “keeping you safe.” But I think this circles back to my understanding of impermanence. Fear tells you that if you just stay right where you are you will be safe from harm, but that’s in utter disconnect from how the world works- we are always always evolving, to allow fear to delude you into thinking you can stay safe in one place is not just a hinderance to becoming your fullest most true self, it is on the most fundamental level a lie!
Just to keep this long ramble going, I also then think about where fear comes from? Biologically and psychologically, we are programmed with the fight or flight response. But in thinking about where that reaction comes from as well as its relevance in our lives now, it is so vital to understand that the fear response was created to keep us safe in the caveman’s world as we hunted or ran for our lives from a bear or something (lol). Fear is still trying its best to keep us safe, but sometimes it takes understanding the why. We evolved with fear solely to protect us from physical and tangible threats to our lives. So sometimes I have to remind myself of that truth: where fear itself comes from and what its purpose is. I have a deep seated belief that I never want fear to be the reason I did or didn’t do something. I want to become the most authentic, most passionate, most aligned version of myself.. and I never want to let the notion of fear when it isn’t even properly placed to hold me back from myself.
Anyways, that was just my afternoon ponder and if you read all the way through that thanks!
Glad I could throw it up all over this page!
Kaitlyn